Wednesday, 14 May 2014
When you know something already, it's obvious to you for so long but Then when someone confirms that and suddenly it's like your really hearing it for the first time. The meaning sinks in and suddenly a little bit of sadness fills your heart.
My ovaries are very nearly completely shut down, I am going through menopause.
I never wanted kids, I always knew that with cf it's not really a possibility. I was always to ill to even think that there would be a time in my life that they would fit in. Knowing I would die young I didn't want to have a child to leave it through its childhood. Having a transplant I suppose that can change things slightly, you know you have a new life line, there's the option of surrogacy, you now have energy to look after a child, run around and play games but still I know my time on this earth is not a normal life span and chronic rejection could set in at any time, proved to me last year when I was diagnosed at approximately 2 years post my first transplant and declined rapidly. Yes I was so lucky to get my 2nd transplant but I still don't know how long this will last and therefor wouldn't be willing to risk having a child to become ill and leave my husband caring for me whilst I die and a baby. Don't get me wrong I have seen my friends post transplant have children and I'm so happy and proud of them it's was some calling deep within for them, there maternal instinct, for me I just don't have enough of that to have a baby with all those risks.
But still sometimes I think if I had a normal life, I would have a child. If I were normal I could wait till I was in my 30ies when I have lived my youth for me and followed my dreams of a successful career, one that I would be well into by now because I wouldn't have had all these other set backs in life. I could then have a child and devote the rest of my life to them.
So that is that, I am not that girl in a normal life and never will be, not that I don't love my life I really do. If by some mirical I get to lead a long life and live into my 50ies then I will look back and feel a pang of regret that I never got to have a child and now all options have forever been taken away. It's final. I have no choice I cannot change my mind and have a child.
The sadness I felt when the menopause was confirmed wasn't just for the child I would never have, there was a whole mix of emotions, suddenly I realise that part of my youth has gone and that's not just mentally, not like just a feeling, physically part of my youth has been taken away from me. My mother had a early menopause, but by early I mean 40ies hers by all accounts seemed quit simple, she complained and still does of hot flushes. So the thought of menopause didn't really frighten me, but then I started researching and realised a lot of my current problems seem to comedown to this. A huge sense of fatigue, that was contributed to by other health factors that are now sorted but the fatigue is still there, tho lessened slightly. It makes me feel so old. It makes me feel less feminine, I am now officially unable to do the thing that makes us women, have children.
Then there's the mood changes, I haven't really told many people but I guess now is as good as time as any. I am on anti depressants. I started them a few weeks ago due to depression and anxiety. There are things that have upset me which I don't want to go into and I guess with my hormones being out of whack it's lead me to feel paralysed inside, a sense of dragging and all momentum has gone. I'm fixated on a few things and really need to be free of them finally, events in my life as well as old demons I have carried around for years. My anxiety comes on suddenly for no reason, I'll just be sitting there and feel overwhelmed, trapped like I can't get out, I don't know what I'm trying to get out of, my own mind, my own body. It's a overwhelming horrid feeling that I can only remember feeling in itu with my first transplant and when I have been on extremely high doses of prednisalone which cause anxiety. The antidepressant are helping but I still lack the motivation I had before, I just feel stuck. Which makes me feel even sadder because I so want to be out enjoying every moment as I do love my life, just right now I feel I've almost forgot how to.
There are many other side affects or symptoms of menopause, which I am experiencing but don't really wish to talk about. It seems that some women sail through, I am not one of those.
I started this menopause at 23, the reason was radiation therapy. I'm starting HRT soon which should help with these symptoms although it may not help one of them. I don't think many people will get how I feel going through menopause, I'm sure a few will think great no periods. I guess I would have thought that before going through it to.
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